Heaven and Hell

In heaven, the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the lovers are Italian and it is all organised by the Germans; in hell, the policemen are French, the cooks are English, the lovers are German and it’s all organised by the Italians.

The Guy’s Rules

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.

We always hear “the rules” From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria ‘s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, the shotgun formation, cars or golf.

1. You have ENOUGH clothes.

1. You have TOO MANY shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this..Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

1. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

1. All points are marked as point no. (1), because all points are equally Important. There is no thing as More Important or Less Important.

The Genie

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. “Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You’re going to have to think of another wish.”

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, and know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie paused for a while and said, “How many lanes do you want on that bridge?”

The Equation of Donkeys and Humans

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Therefore,
Human – enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,

Human that don’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that work

========= ========= ========= ========= ===

Equation 2

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,
Men – earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don’t earn money = Donkeys

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ====

Equation 3

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,
Women = Donkeys + spend

Therefore,
Women – spend = Donkeys

In other words,

Women that don’t spend = Donkeys
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =====

To Conclude:

>From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Men that don’t earn money = Women that don’t spend. (COROLLARY !)

HENCE, Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! (Postulate 1)

And, Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! (Postulate 2)

So, we have?

Men + Women = Donkeys + earn money + Donkeys + spend money (COROLLARY 2)

Therefore from Postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude,

* Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together! ;

– One earning money and other draining it in equal proportion.

COROLLARY 3 :

If both men and women are earning, you can safely assume 4 donkeys offsetting each other’s earning yet saving 2 earnings : so encourage women to work!!

Q.E.D

Setting Expectations

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”.  With the worst  premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you won’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in the center drawer of my desk. I love you!

The Boss

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.

“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. “Well what does he do?

“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.

“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”

Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.

The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.

But the other two call him “BOSS”!!

What Gender is Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’ ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The  native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As  soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’) , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

UN Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant,
In India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant,
In Europe they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ meant,
In China they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant,
In the Middle East they didn’t know what ‘solution’ meant,
In South America they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant,
And in the USA they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant!

Hambone

After Marriage

Three friends had all recently got married and were bragging about how they had given their new wives household duties.

The first one who had got married to a Bengali girl said, “I told my wife on our first day of marriage that she, not me, was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days but on the third day, I came home to a clean house with all the dishes washed and put away.”

The second one had got married to a tamil girl. He said, “I went a bit further. I told my wife that not only was she to do all the cleaning and the dishes but she, not me, was to do the cooking as well. It was on the 3rd day that I came home to a clean house, dishes were done and I had a huge dinner on the table.”

The third one said, “I married a Punjabi girl and I told her in no uncertain terms that she, not me, had to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table as soon as I got home. Like you two, it wasn’t until the 3rd day that things got better.
.
.
By then, most of the swelling had gone down and I could see a little out of my left eye, enough to fix myself something to eat, load the dishwasher with my dirty washing and start mowing the lawn